in absentia

I'm alone, but my heart feels like it's in deep conversation with another. I have this nagging feeling that I could turn around and see them standing there; my company in absentia.

Maybe it's the music. 

Maybe the melody is one I have grown so familiar with, it feels like an old friend, talking to me. Telling me, "you're not alone. Never really." 

sigh

It's the people I don't want who keep giving me the attention I need. 

gasp

holding on to him for dear life, he took my breath away

I cried

I cried today.

For the first time since I was in university

When some pained soul cruelly tossed a part of his misery in my face after my offer of help.

I cried then, deeply, from my spirit; body wracking sobs that purged the toxicity from my being. 

I cried the same again today,

I purged the toxicity of having to hold my head up through my misery

I cried to rid myself of the misguided feeling that I had something to prove to anyone. 

I cried, not because a movie made me sad

Not because I felt the pain of the world.

I cried because for the first time in a long time, I felt my own pain; allowed myself to feel vulnerable to myself.

I cried, deep, body-wracking sobs

I cried the one dimensional, strong black woman trope out of my system. 

must be the thrill

What is it about rules that makes one want to break them? 

Undone

Frayed at the seams;

Exposing the tangled mess within. 

Fragile stiches, looped through tired holes;

How much mending can one fabric hold?

Darn the hem that rips the cloth! 

Tack in the feelings unravelling forth. 

Can you tell?

I've always been fascinated with Sherlock Holmes' powers of deduction. Fictitious or not, I always felt that those were powers I would love to have.

Tonight, though, it occurred to me; how does Sherlock really know for sure. As far as human behaviours and motivations go, it could be anything.

How can one accurately deduce a person's state of mind while he is absent? They do it all the time in those crime dramas about serial killers and such, and I assume it is based on some truth but, really, how does one know without a doubt?

I mean say, for example, on my way home from work, I buy myself a piece of lingerie which is clearly meant to seduce a lover. But I do not have a lover.

Say on a night such as this, while feeling a crippling sense of loneliness, I wear said clothing and lounge about the house imagining that I was waiting for a lover (just to make myself feel better).

Say, also, that a deranged person follows me home and lets themselves in (because I neglected to lock my front door). they hide away somewhere in my apartment until I have taken a shower and slipped into this lingerie. Then they pounce on me, kill me and leave without a trace.

If you found my body, slain, in this skimpy undergarment, wouldn't you deduce that it was a crime of passion? If you were the detective, would you start by looking into my love life?

Loneliness is a terrible thing; can you tell?