hogwash

My art espouses the paradoxically preeminent conundrum that art is simultaneously an expression and a critiqie of... *record scratch* 

Fuck that! This is a look into my head; what it's like, the things unsaid. It is not a political statement about the deteriorating state of the world. The world will go the way of the hand basket because 7 billion odd people are goading it on. I'm just trying to figure out how to deal with the inevitable crash of 7 billion people perpetuating trash. 

in absentia

I'm alone, but my heart feels like it's in deep conversation with another. I have this nagging feeling that I could turn around and see them standing there; my company in absentia.

Maybe it's the music. 

Maybe the melody is one I have grown so familiar with, it feels like an old friend, talking to me. Telling me, "you're not alone. Never really." 

sigh

It's the people I don't want who keep giving me the attention I need. 

gasp

holding on to him for dear life, he took my breath away

I cried

I cried today.

For the first time since I was in university

When some pained soul cruelly tossed a part of his misery in my face after my offer of help.

I cried then, deeply, from my spirit; body wracking sobs that purged the toxicity from my being. 

I cried the same again today,

I purged the toxicity of having to hold my head up through my misery

I cried to rid myself of the misguided feeling that I had something to prove to anyone. 

I cried, not because a movie made me sad

Not because I felt the pain of the world.

I cried because for the first time in a long time, I felt my own pain; allowed myself to feel vulnerable to myself.

I cried, deep, body-wracking sobs

I cried the one dimensional, strong black woman trope out of my system. 

must be the thrill

What is it about rules that makes one want to break them? 

Undone

Frayed at the seams;

Exposing the tangled mess within. 

Fragile stiches, looped through tired holes;

How much mending can one fabric hold?

Darn the hem that rips the cloth! 

Tack in the feelings unravelling forth.