365 minus 1

 

Yesterday my world fell apart. Again.

Like it has every year since we ended. I kept rebuilding it on promises that were never made, signs that aren’t there but I want so much to see them that I imagine they are. And then I stay floating in my castle, looking down at the prince walking away but believing he’s walking my way; a trick of the glaring warning light. Until he huffs and puffs and blows down my monument of lies. And yet I reprise my castle in the skies.

In the trick of the soft lighting at the bar, it seemed like my castle might hold this time. He sat there looking shy, good looking and shy but I never saw that part of him before. It made me want to throw my drunken arms around him. And then I thought about wrapping my drunken legs around him. I got excited for a second. Just before Maria stood up and started dancing. I took out my phone to document it for posterity. Maria drunk and dancing.

He smiled at her dancing. Then I wished I was as care-free as Maria. He clearly appreciates that. But if I got up then, I would have just looked like a me-too. And there it is. The reason I feel like I don’t deserve him; my constant self-doubt.

Alcohol doesn’t do for me what it used to anymore; I was drunk but I still couldn’t let loose.

I turned to him and took a photo of him watching her. The lighting was good. He looked good. So good.

The night wore on. We sang along to the too loud music and danced in our chairs. Bathroom breaks and more drinks. Then someone said we ought to go. I thought he’d go back to my place with me but then he looked down at his phone and typed something. Then he looked up at me.

“my friend is coming here. She lives in my area so she’ll give me a ride home.”

Crack! The castle walls split unexpectedly on the side. A gaping crevice. I opened the uber app on my phone and hailed one. It was 3 minutes away. Suddenly, I noticed Maria and Adwoa weren’t there anymore. Bathroom break maybe, because their bags were sitting next to Adwoa’s boyfriend.

“Ok, my uber is here. Bye”

I walked out just as his friend walked in. “Hi. Bye”

On the curb I couldn’t wait for the cab to get to me but I also wished he’d chase me. But he and her came out and they walked towards her car. I stepped away and turned my head so no one would see the disappointment on my face. They probably couldn’t anyway with the mask and the night.

Then he was behind me.

“Are you upset?”

“it doesn’t matter.”

“Talk to me.”

“there’s no point.”

“Ok, I gotta go then. Give me a hug?”

He holds me to him. My chin rested on his shoulder, my chest pressed up against his. I was breathing hard and he held on.

Crack! A gaping crevice on the other side.

He held it together with his hand pressing hard against my back. But the castle came tumbling down into a moat of tears.

“I can’t be what you need me to be.”

I sobbed harder. “I know that.”

“Then let go.”

“I’ve tried!”

“No.”

“I tried. So many times. I just need you to not talk to me anymore.”

“No.”

“Don’t talk to me anymore. It’s the only way.”

The uber had been waiting. So I got in.

Well, it’s safe to say that the first day of the year was wasted in la la land. So starting on the second day of the new year, here’s to seeing things as they are and accepting them.